Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Advice To The American Idol Frontrunners

It's time for the American Idol leaders to separate themselves from the pack. Here's how they can do it.

David Archuleta: Stop the lip licking during your performances. It’s very distracting, please drink some water or use chapstick, Vaseline works too. Demand that the producers stop running video of you as a child. There’s a definite creep factor that’s settling in. Don’t lecture, compete. “Another Day In Paradise” isn’t an opportunity for you to tell us about the plight of the poor. We know. You’re there to win the contest. Stop believing your own press. American Idol voters are notorious for knocking off frontrunners (see Melinda Doolittle, Chris Daughtry, Tamyra Gray).

Carly Smithson: I know you’re proud of that massive inkstain on your right arm, but I’ve talked to lots of people who don’t want to look it. How about some long sleeves, occasionally? I can’t tell you how to do it, but you need to work on being more likeable. It still feels like you’re a ringer and the schadenfreude in us wants to see you fall off your pedestal. It would be nice to hear you sing something that doesn’t have to be belted out. Sometimes quiet is good.

Jason Castro: Enough with the coffeehouse stuff. Do something different. How about a wearing a suit and doing a crooner selection, gospel, or a big band tune with backup singers? Put the guitar in the closet and leave it there.

Amanda Overmyer:
Get a makeover. Enough said.

Michael Johns:
Come home with me. Just kidding. You’re one of the most versatile contestants. You can sing anything. Be bold. Mix it up. Your breakthrough moment was singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the Hollywood rounds. You’ve disappeared since then.

Brooke White (Sweet Blonde): You’re boring. Every song you’ve done is a cover, pure and simple. Stop talking…you don’t have anything to say that we want to hear. Do something different. You’re becoming a folk singer cliché. Your Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, Judi Collins, barefoot girl in peasant dress schtick is already getting old.

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